Sunday, April 7, 2013

"I am a terrible Housewife" or "Why I Need a Robotic Vacuum Cleaner"

I vacuumed today. That should be all I need to write on the matter. Clean the crap off the floor right? I hear other people do it several times a week. No drama. I hear other people MOVE furniture to do it, SEVERAL times a WEEK. I have no Idea how they do this.

Sometimes I wonder if I am cursed by the bad housewife fairy (a tad melodramatic?) maybe I should get more practice?(kill me please).
I hear that other people don't regard a quick vacuum as being an epic journey you have to gird your loins for (off topic I have been wondering; what are your girding with? Is it like a a weightlifting belt to stop you getting a hernia? If so I think I need to do this prior to vacuuming).
I have a pretty small house, it is on a few insane levels as it has been weirdly extended many times in it's hundred odd years  (and I bet they were odd) of existence but it is small. I have a reasonable vacuum cleaner. It's an older Dyson. It works. It lives in the shed which is really inconvenient but it does more work out there. It's an obstacle "OOOOH no I have to go to the shed to get the vacuum cleaner... ooooh nooooo I will have to bake a cake instead of vacuuming then!"

A few months ago the head stopped working, the brushes wouldn't stay down so it didn't work as a multi-floor tool. ok, we ordered a new one. 

Then after dragging the vacuum out of the shed and attaching the new tool and bumping around corners angrily (more on this later) I was wondering why there was no dirt being sucked up "OH HO!" I said "OH HO Mr Dyson, where's your no loss of suction now? HA!" (I really do talk to the vacuum cleaner  I think it is my nemesis, Moriarty to my Holmes) I could feel there was not really any suction so I started to disasemble it to see if there was a sock in it or something. No sock but a ball of hair fluff and things I knew had been there for many years. the size of a teacup poodle I swear. Ok so old Moriarty was doing quite well considering this beast living inside.

Only problem is that once the fluff beast was removed I couldn't push the damn thing around. The suction was TOO STRONG  "GAH!!! lose some suction goddam you!!" I changed the setting on the tool to make the brushes go up, then down but no joy, even with my full weight behind it. 
OK so I take the new tool off and check it, no fluff beasts, the action works fine but hair has bound around the brush bit so tightly that it forms an airtight suction on the hard floor. Try to remove hair but it is too tight. Baby in carrier on the front starts fussing. I am all sweaty and red in the face and frustrated, there are F-bombs everywhere. But eventually it was done.

 So now we move forward in time to today. I found a motorhead (dun dun dunnnnnnaaaananana the ACE of Spades- not really just an attachment). I Attached it and I could push the vacuum cleaner! It was sucking up dirt! Hooray and Hallelujah! OH FOR GOD'S SAKE It is stuck on a chair and won't go any further. Now it is stuck on the corner of the wall, now the bin and now it has fallen over. Ah. Ah indeed. Now the motorhead has stopped spinning because my long hair has bound it up and I need to use scissors to free it. I have covered approximately two square metres. This is going to be a looooong vacuuming journey.

Please make some reassuring noises at me. Is this everyone's regular experience with housework? Is it this much of a battle? 
 I dream about robot vacuum cleaners. They might take over the world but they are welcome to it. I have been entering competitions everywhere to try to win one. I have been reading reviews. I am envious of those who have monetized their blogging and worked hard enough on it to be given the whirring beasties to review. Let it be known I have read your reviews and I am so the target market.

Does anyone have experiences with robotic vacuum cleaners, good or bad I would love to hear your thoughts (preferably before my house needs cleaning again so you have until school pickup time I guess!)

Thursday, April 4, 2013

VAGINA and dinner etiquette.

Ah the delights of having boys is really striking home lately. I didn't think that my gender caused that much of a divide between the majority of my in house family but I find I am more and more baffled by their behaviour and lately the sense of humour.
I am not big on fart jokes, give me an horrendous Carry On or Benny Hill style joke any day but farts aren't funny to me and it has been declared that this is "Because you are a girl". I also  don't feel the need to turn everything into a weapon and beat things nor do I fall over sniggering at the word Bum. My loss I suppose. 

The other day at dinner I had cause to correct my eldest son when I was feeding the baby and her chunk of banana was lost in her lap

 "Mummy it's near her china."

Her what?

"Her china, you know her lady-nuts." *snort!* (aside: I do not think that nuts means what he thinks it means)
Me:"Oh you have the word wrong, the word is vagina."

"Near her Pa-china lady nuts"
Me:"No vagina v-v-v."

Interjection from their father "Or hoo-hoo in polite company.""
Me; "When are you going to be talking about genitals in polite company?!"

Me: "We don't really talk about vaginas or penises at the dinner table.
Baby *eats banana messily*
Me: "Sigh, I guess we will just have to ride this one out.
Dearest husband: "Giggidy!" *

As the boys are four and six I expect I have many years of delightful conversation of this calibre ahead. I would love to hear about your surreal dinner table conversations even if there weren't as many vagina references! What's the weirdest conversation your children have lead you through?

* This is a Family Guy reference I sincerely hope you get.