Monday, January 7, 2013

Computer Says No

There are things I should be doing, practical things little bitty boring attention to detail things, preparing documents for an application to leg-breaker finance where although the interest rate is fine the application fees are horrifying. Seriously eye-wateringly so. Because the computer said no. 
The banks computer said that we had a short fall of thousands of dollars per month and wouldn't lend to us. That's a downside to being thrifty you see, the formula they use to calculate serviceability does not take into account people like me who live cannily. It's based on thousands of dollars on toys for the three children and ballet lessons for the daughter. It's based on a new car every three years and factory servicing, it's based on $1000 per month grocery bills and the latest iphone upgrade. It does not take into account the fact that although according to them we fall behind $6000 per month (!) we have never missed a loan repayment. Never. Apparently a proven record of prevailing against the odds and paying all our loans doesn't count for anything. Neither does the fact the business isn't showing profit soley because we are constantly expanding and reinvesting in it and the cash flow is actually pretty damn good. I don't need this now.
 I have worked every day for 12 hours a day. I have  a four month old baby with me constantly. I have had two immensely boisterous boys with me through the busiest part of the year (thankfully they are at a wonderful vacation care program right now- lots of excitement and excursions-we are all delighted as being with mummy and daddy when they are working their arses off isn't fun for little guys). I worked Christmas day and New Years. I don't have a New Years resolution except to survive somehow.
 I don't sleep well, I have no time to exercise except walks with the children, our baby sleeps when we do so I haven't had a Yoga mat session for a long time. I have lost my joie de vivre completely. My passions and hobbies are either bringing me no pleasure (cooking) or are out of reach as I have so many demands on my time (Yoga, showering). Is this having it all? Can I send it back? Please? I don't even know if we want to go ahead with the finance under it's new terms but without the new direction I am lost and don't know what we will do.
Yes I will try to carve out some time for myself and yes I have a referral to a Psychologist for Post Natal Depression But life is hard right now. Very Very hard and even harder for me to motivate myself to care.
I feel Mummy guilt though, I feel it for those who have lost everything in the fires and yet I am complaing about my lot, I feel it for my children who aren't getting the best of me and I feel it for my husband who needs the support of a loving partner and works so hard for us. This isn't fun.

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