Why Can I Grow New People but not Radishes?

So it is time for me to confess something that has come into sharp relief for me and I feel I need to get off my chest. I can't grow radishes. I keep trying, year after year, different soils, different varieties different times of year but they either never fill out or bolt immediately. given that radishes are supposed to be the ultimate starter absolute beginner vegetable it is really undermining my confidence as an urban homesteader. Worse still the damn jolly little rubicund orbs are my number one pregnancy craving and I must have them so I can be seen at the local farmer's market rain, hail or shine buying bunches of cherry belles and french breakfasts (I only like red roundish ones by the way) and stuffing them into my face on the drive home. Really.

 Last night I was watching River Cottage with the boys (who take it very seriously and hang on HFWs every word) and watching him positively gloat about how he had timed his poly tunnel radishes perfectly so they were finishing cropping just as the outdoor ones were ready for harvest with great armfuls of French breakfasts he crows about the crunchiness and how he thinks they will taste with fresh goats cheese. Smug bastard. WELL I AM VERY JOLLY HAPPY FOR YOU HUGH!!! NOT ALL OF US CAN GROW THE DAMN THINGS.
So there we have it. I am nearly constantly tormented by my lack of growing prowess at the moment and the lack of radishes plays sorely on my mind (mushrooms are another craving and "easy" vegetable I can never smegging get going). By the way, pregnancy progresses well, just a few more weeks and we will have a new member of the family, I am good at babies...it's radishes I have the problem with!