A bank manager just left discussing new plans- labouring the relationship metaphor of the previous posts we are onto a rebound purchase which if things happen will make a lot of our dreams come true. Simple ones and complicated ones. But if it happens I will babble about it all the time and you will get sick of it.
We had an adventure the other day, I made pattycakes (not cupcakes- elaborate swirls of buttercream end in tears here!) and popcorn and cheese straws, packed some carrots and we had a mini picnic by a river. The sun was shining, the roses were blooming, there were ducks- there was a platypus for Heaven's sake. we rambled along the river after a frenzied attack of eating (or having a picnic as the boys call it) and watched canoeing. It was simple and it was good. I find that living in Tasmania offers such a huge range of opportunities for incredibly simple but incredibly rich experiences. Like a platypus in the river in the middle of town, rambling echidnas, gorgeous views and amazing produce. I know I should be cooking intricate dishes with tiny bits and pieces with the produce but strawberries, cherries, carrots tomatoes all get eaten in their natural state, hot smoked salmon or cheeses are lucky to be given a bit of bread before they are eaten!
By the way that reminds me- I used to think rice paper rolls were expensive but the other night I made some, all julienne vegetables, prawns, noodles whilst trying to stop the baby crying, avoiding the cat and listening to Peppa Pig, managed to make about 8 of them (not enough for dinner) only to be told by the boys they didn't like them and made them a pot of spaghetti instead. Whoever can knock those things out quickly and elegantly deserves the money.
What a funny thing it can be to have something you are working for with all your might suddenly stops. Like the property deal that just fell over. 8 months and then gone. It's not something you bounce back from straight away. I suppose it is like a relationship breakup in a sense, you made plans, soft furnishings were being discussed and you were going to live together and then suddenly- bam- it's over- you may never see each other again. That's where I was at with this damn property deal but here we are again. the sun shines, the children laugh (and destroy and fight and smell weird but are still amazing and beautiful). Life plods along regardless of how much you wan to stay deep in a dark dank hole of your own making (real or imagined). It's not easy and even though I know that in reality the dark dank hole of despair is a combination of external stressors and hormonal fluctuations, out of whack neurotransmitters and other biochemical influences it is extremely hard to deal with being in the dark dank hole. I am lucky in a sense that it doesn't follow me around like Churchill's black dog, I just fall in the hole sometimes. Thanks for being there internet and I hope if you ever feel the same you get it out there and seek some support.
Well anyway. I saw an Owl thing in the internet and it said this :
"I know things are hard right now, you're going to be okay, but it might take a while. it might be scary and you might want to give up. Don't give up. You can do this. things won't be this way forever. one day you're going to be so proud of yourself."
(It is an Owl isn't it?)
That cutesy badly drawn internet meme has a point...! So we are rehashing our plans, we are going easy on ourselves and recognising when it isn't worth pushing it uphill and onwards we go.
In the meantime we still get fresh eggs from the two remaining hens and there are two tomato bushes fruiting, herbs from the container garden. Autumn fruits are starting to pop up and the markets are full of cherries and apricots that taste like sunshine.
The boys like to play in empty fields.
Our baby girl is thriving, she breastfeeds many times a day but also has a bottle or two of formula as she is was so tiny and thin and I have discovered to my astonishment that we can combine the two easily with no detriment to either method, she will even switch from breast to bottle and back mid feed. I never knew that this was possible, I had some idea that once you gave a bottle of formula you were on a dark path and your breasts would dry up but it is not my experience so take heart those who wish to combine or comp feed it seems to work for us!
We have all been working so hard and at so far beyond our capacity for so long it is nice to take a moment. I don't know what this year holds for us yet, I have no plans or resolutions but I know we will keep on keeping on, in the long term I want space and trees and a garden and a solid wall (not plasterboard) between our room and the boys room, I would like to have work that satisfies me and a pig called Tarquin but I haven't figured out how to get there yet!
There are things I should be doing, practical things little bitty boring attention to detail things, preparing documents for an application to leg-breaker finance where although the interest rate is fine the application fees are horrifying. Seriously eye-wateringly so. Because the computer said no.
The banks computer said that we had a short fall of thousands of dollars per month and wouldn't lend to us. That's a downside to being thrifty you see, the formula they use to calculate serviceability does not take into account people like me who live cannily. It's based on thousands of dollars on toys for the three children and ballet lessons for the daughter. It's based on a new car every three years and factory servicing, it's based on $1000 per month grocery bills and the latest iphone upgrade. It does not take into account the fact that although according to them we fall behind $6000 per month (!) we have never missed a loan repayment. Never. Apparently a proven record of prevailing against the odds and paying all our loans doesn't count for anything. Neither does the fact the business isn't showing profit soley because we are constantly expanding and reinvesting in it and the cash flow is actually pretty damn good. I don't need this now.
I have worked every day for 12 hours a day. I have a four month old baby with me constantly. I have had two immensely boisterous boys with me through the busiest part of the year (thankfully they are at a wonderful vacation care program right now- lots of excitement and excursions-we are all delighted as being with mummy and daddy when they are working their arses off isn't fun for little guys). I worked Christmas day and New Years. I don't have a New Years resolution except to survive somehow.
I don't sleep well, I have no time to exercise except walks with the children, our baby sleeps when we do so I haven't had a Yoga mat session for a long time. I have lost my joie de vivre completely. My passions and hobbies are either bringing me no pleasure (cooking) or are out of reach as I have so many demands on my time (Yoga, showering). Is this having it all? Can I send it back? Please? I don't even know if we want to go ahead with the finance under it's new terms but without the new direction I am lost and don't know what we will do.
Yes I will try to carve out some time for myself and yes I have a referral to a Psychologist for Post Natal Depression But life is hard right now. Very Very hard and even harder for me to motivate myself to care.
I feel Mummy guilt though, I feel it for those who have lost everything in the fires and yet I am complaing about my lot, I feel it for my children who aren't getting the best of me and I feel it for my husband who needs the support of a loving partner and works so hard for us. This isn't fun.
